I really am indecisive, aren’t I?

This blog is way more complicated to me than it really needs to be. I could post new things, if I wanted to. I could just abandon everything, too. I could go all in and just delete the damn thing. But every time I come back here, I just get stuck.

I feel like a ghost here. I was a completely different person, in a completely different environment. I was surrounded by different people and I had totally different beliefs.

I was ten when I made this blog. I’m sixteen now.

When I look at old photos, writing, art, I can barely see myself. And when I come back to this blog, I feel like I have to become that blurry image of a person again. Like there’s a role I have to fill here, even though I doubt there are any expectations of me anymore. It’s been so long I’d be surprised if most of the people I knew remembered me – I did change my name, so if they did they very well might not realize it.

So much has changed. I miss who I was, sometimes. Mainly because it seemed easier back then. I was young and naive. I hadn’t realized what all was wrong and difficult yet, and that made everything so much simpler.

Within the six years between the creation of this blog and now, I’ve had to acknowledge a lot. I’m trans, for starters, and that was not an easy thing to accept, especially since my family isn’t very big on that kind of thing. And speaking of family… hoo boy, there’s a lot. Emotions have been just fantastic to deal with as I’ve stopped repressing them so much. There’s plenty else, but I’m not about to give a blow by blow of the last six years, so I’ll leave it at that.

I feel like a ghost. Everything this blog represents just makes me feel lonely, like I’m wandering through abandoned halls of places I used to love.

“This is where we argued about that, and that’s where I always talked to them, and over there is where I learned about… ”

I barely remember who I was. All I have left is these bittersweet echoes, and a blank space where something should be but strangely isn’t. I don’t want to go back, not really, but in these only half thought-through moments every year or two when I remember I have a WordPress blog, I try to pick the lock that I’ve long since lost the key to. I think about leaving comments for the people I remember most, ones I looked up to or thought of as friends. Then I think better of it, because I don’t want to bother them. I’m sure they’ve changed, too; we all are on our own paths, and I don’t want to derail someone else’s.

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Is anybody out there?